Jeffrey Gabbard

Originally posted October 2008.

The other night I dreamt I was standing underneath a huge sycamore tree surrounded by its fallen leaves. I felt happiness and connection as I took in the wonder of the scene. In the dream, each time I reached down to pick up a leaf, I was reminded of a family member or friend who has passed away.

For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to make sense out of why we suffer and die.My aunt recently passed away from cancer and I have not been able to get my mind around how someone who was still fairly young and very full of life could be dealt such a blow.

In some cases it seems easy to rationalize why.“Well, she was really old.” Or “he smoked like a chimney his whole life”.But in other cases these rationalizations are more of a stretch.So, why?Many of my theist friends might say, “The Lord works in mysterious ways”.My non-theist friends most likely would offer “well it was genetic” or “lifestyle choices” or… some other cause.But these explanations lack something.

I may never know why, but I do understand that life has a season.That death is natural and necessary to make room for new life. In the spring, our blossoms promise boundless possibilities.Then in the summer we open ourselves to the sun and world around us.Finally in the fall we are colored by our experiences and eventually fall to prepare the soil for the next spring. And like sitting under a big sycamore tree, we have all prospered under the shade of love our family and friends have provided us.

As I grow older the number of leaves of fallen loved ones continues to grow about me, but each has touched me with its uniqueness and beauty.This leaf, my maternal grandfather, whose soul was full of grace and here his wife who was so feisty and fun.This leaf, my paternal grandmother, who taught me the importance of family.And here, my paternal grandfather – her husband, from whom I learned to love the land.So many have come and gone, but each so important.My father, who had trouble finding his way, but from whom I learned strength and yes my aunt.Someone who worked hard to provide for her daughter and who knew the wishes and dreams of every niece and nephew.Her “ssssh” would silence a room full of adults so she could hear what the littlest one in the room had to say.Rest now.