Touch Me

(Interior massage therapist office)

TRISH

Welcome to ‘Knead it Now’. Is this your first time with us?

(Hair in a tight bun, wearing glasses and clutching her purse. Janet seems very anxious.)

JANET

Actually,this is my first massage ever. My doctor says massage should help with my anxiety.

TRISH

Oh yes, spend some time with one of our specialist and you’ll feel like a new woman.

(Suspiciously)

JANET

This isn’t one of those ‘happy endings’ kind of places is it?

TRISH

Well, I guarantee you’ll be happy after your massage, but we’re completely on the up and up.

JANET

Great.

TRISH

Now, you’ll just go in this room and undress. Then lay face down on the table with the sheet covering you. Your therapist will be in shortly, ok?

JANET

Gotcha

(interior room. The room is dimly lit. A massage table and sheets are in the center of the room. Enya music is softly playing. Janet undresses and gets under the sheets. There is a knock on the door.)

JANET

I’m ready. Come in.

(Bill enters the room with a shuffling gait. His clothes are torn and bloody and his body appears to be decaying. He is obviously a zombie. He walks over to a table and starts a timer for the massage)

BILL

ARRRRRRROOOUGGH

JANET

Hi, I’m Janet.

(Bill pumps massage oil onto his hands and spills a lot on the floor. Bill claps his hands together and one of his fingers flies off and lands in a container of hot massage rocks. He puts his hands on Janet’s back and starts his massage.)

JANET

Wow, your hands are really cold. Could you warm them up a little?

(frustrated)

BILL

ERRRRNNNN

JANET

Thanks

(Bill looks around and decides to dunk his hands in the hot rocks container. Besides his hands, he also pulls out his missing finger. It is now charred and looks like an old french fry. Bill shrugs and eats it.)

BILL

Mmmmmm

(Bill continues giving the massage)

JANET

Oh, yes that’s much better.

(Nods)

BILL

GRRRRRRR

JANET

More pressure though. Could you use more pressure?

(Shakes head and starts pressing harder on Janet’s back)

BILL

HARRRFFFH

JANET

Oh, that’s amazing! More, please more.

(Presses so hard that one of his arms breaks.)

BILL

DAAAAMMMMGGGRRR

JANET

Oh, don’t stop.

(Bill takes the broken arm and starts smacking Janet on the back with it)

JANET

That’s great!

(Uses his good arm to start massaging Janet’s scalp)

BILL

Brrraaaiiinnnsss

JANET

Oh, yeah I’ve never had a scalp massage before. That feels wonderful.

(Bill starts to lower his mouth towards the back of Janet’s head like he’s going to take a bite. Janet rears her head up, head-butting Bill, knocking his teeth out)

JANET

Ouch, sorry about that. Ya know I was just thinking. I can’t believe I waited so long to have a massage. I should have done this YEARS ago.

(Spits out teeth)

BILL

MUMPFFUULLL

(Bill goes back to the hot rocks container and grabs the biggest rock he can find. He raises it high over Janet’s skull)

BILL

BRAAAIINNEESS

(The alarm goes off telling that the time is up. Bill turns and slips on the oil on the floor. He falls and strikes his chin on the edge of the massage table, popping his head off. The head rolls under the massage table)

JANET

Wow! I can’t believe it’s over already! I REALLY do feel like a new woman.

(Bill is under the table blindly searching for his head as Janet gets up and dresses. With her hair down and a spring in her step, Janet throws some money on the massage table and leaves)

JANET

Thanks so much!

(Blackout.)

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BLOW

(Exterior Balcony. Slow, dramatic piano music is playing. Slow-motion video of a beautiful model with a blue-tipped tongue depressor in her mouth.)

VOICEOVER

For us supermodels times have changed.

(Slow-motion Video montage of model in little black dress at various hollywood parties followed by scenes leaning over toilets.)

VOICEOVER

But a few things stay the same

(Video montage on the red carpet, paparazzi snapping pictures, photo shoots, etc BLOW E-tongue depressor in her mouth.)

VOICEOVER

Our desire to be successful, to eat without boundaries

(Montage of models stuffing their faces at a buffet)

With BLOW E-tongue depressors we can still be ourselves. Just insert it down your throat and put your mouth over the cup. When the tip is blue, just BLOW those chunks. BLOW will electronically do the rest.

(Slow-motion Video montage of models using BLOW E-tongue depressors at movie premieres etc, bending over and retching into the cup)

VOICEOVER

Afterall this country was founded on free will. Embrace it, chase it.

(Birds fly slowly overhead, inserts BLOW E-tongue depressor, bends over and starts retching.)

VOICEOVER

Take back your freedom with BLOW.

(Out)

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Insecure Chimps caught using “skinny arm” pose at zoo mixer.

chimps skinny arm pose

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After disastrous 2017, God goes back to the drawing board to create new “most evolved” species.

sloth

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Write Brained: The Neuroscience of Writing and Writer’s Block

Great article dealing with my affliction.

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